A Confession, and a Change of Heart

  I have always found it easy to listen and believe the things of the gospel. The belief and faith in the principles make sense to me. I have, however, at different times in my life held on, fiercely at times, to little doubts or fears. Since becoming a mother, my "righteous fear" has been that for some reason I wouldn't be able to raise my children.
  Certainly nobody else can do it the way that I do. I know them better than anybody else. I love them more than anybody else. I dream for them and about them. I plan and prepare. I make decisions and research options. I pray for them, and I pray for answers in my mothering of them. In my heart and mind are stored the tiniest details, like the best way to hand Stella her blankie (hold it above her until she finds and grabs the silky tag, then snuggle it in next to her left cheek) and how to get Charlie to take medicine when he's sick (cake), to the grandest visions for their lives and futures.
  Tonight while reading a book about the principles of the gospel, the Spirit gently taught me about yet another application of the Atonement. As I started to loosen my fist, clenched tight around my fears, I found them replaced by faith and knowledge that these children are His. That motherhood is a challenge and a privilege I have been given to help me grow and develop, and also to aid in the growth of these great big spirits. I am not, however, the one who loves them most. They were first loved by a Heavenly Father and Mother. They were loved by their Savior, who suffered for each of them. Not only does he know which shoes Charlie prefers, Christ knows how to comfort each disappointment and hurt. He can heal his heart and cleanse him of sin.
  Heaven knows I want more than anything to be a mother to these children through the entirety our earthly lives (certainly heaven has been bombarded with enough of my prayers to know). I am learning that in this, and all other fears and doubts, the power of the atonement reigns supreme. No matter the circumstance, the atonement is the answer. It applies to me and will always apply to my children. This life is a precious time. Part of what makes it so precious is that it is so fleeting. It is just a stop on our path of progression. With or without me, my children will be provided with all the things they need to mold their spirits and continue their growth. There is no trial too great for the atonement.
  This is by no means a premonition-just a realization that faith and fear can't exist together. And that faith feels so much better.