A few thoughts for my blog since they are running through my head and I have to other captive audience to share them with. Also, I like to record some of my parenting thoughts, so that even if I only do a sub-par job in the end, my kids will be able to look back and know what was going through my head!
I spend a significant portion of my quiet time (and also some time that's not particularly quiet) considering the things that are part of our family culture, the things we spend our time doing and the words that my children hear me say. Because of the current chaos of our family right now, there has to be a lot of give, but I'm developing a pretty clear picture of what I want for our family. I love the phrase from the 71 Toes blog about being a "deliberate mother". I am clinging to the idea that we don't just have to let things happen to our families and our children, but that we can make proactive choices to create or impact their environments.
I have amazing parents who have supported me in every way and been almost picture perfect in all the ways that count most. I always thought I would raise my kids exactly how my parents did, because we were so very happy. Life has been different than I expected though, since becoming a wife and mother and
I am trying to be deliberate about the things I keep in our house.
I don't want my children to grow up in an environment of "no." I'd prefer to say it as little as possible. I firmly believe in clear boundaries and in the importance of learning to respect boundaries, but instead of a short leash, I want my kids to be able to roam on a farm. I want Charlie to play with scissors.
Charlie has developed a recent interest in scissors (who am I kidding? It's always been there. But he's smart enough and agile enough to get to them at will, now.) This week at my mom's house, he took down the scissor box and started playing with the scissors. My mom immediately told him that they were too sharp to play with. I mean, that's common sense parenting, right? I initially agreed with her, but Charlie is so determined and tenacious, that he forces me to rethink a lot of my knee-jerk reactions. In the end, I told him that he could play with them. I offered a sparse framework (no running and no cutting things that are not paper) and let him go. My mom was actually having something akin to a panic attack. I tried to be deliberate though. This isn't a child who takes no for an answer. He is single-minded and determined. Contrary to what our educational culture teaches, I am coming to realize that those qualities are unique and desirable. He is creative and doesn't see boundaries. I try to imagine who he will become and what he will be able to accomplish if we nurture those qualities that are inherent to this tiny person. I'm so glad Charlie was my first child. He's challenged me in every way and has changed my entire paradigm on parenting and success. It helps that he is an awful lot like his daddy, so I've had a few years of experience in living with someone who doesn't go with the grain. I don't think Charlie will every fit right in to our educational culture. It's not in his make up to sit quietly, listen to lessons, then fill out worksheets. As I see it, we have two choices with him: We can try to force him to swim upstream for the next 15-20 years, try to help him achieve against the schools "measure of success." Then try to relight the fire and drive in him when he's "put in his time." Or we can try to educate him in a way that fits him and encourages his capabilities, and the innate human capabilities that are so often overlooked or under stimulated. I want my kids to dance and to sing. I want them to create things and to solve problems. I don't want them to be told no. I don't want them to constantly be told to sit still.
It's so easy to assume that the way we have always done things is right. I'm prepared to have people look at me like I'm a hippie for the rest of forever-because that is what happens when you challenge ideas. Clearly, our current educational system is not the best. Experts all agree about that. It will, however, only change when it is absolutely forced to be our changing economy and demands. It won't go quietly. I hate to make generalizations, but I feel like a lot of the people in our social circles, most of whom I love or like an awful lot, don't challenge what they are used to-even if there's something much better. I mean, are kids really better off for having gone to junior high? Some, maybe. But, would they be missing a huge part of themselves if they were home-schooled during those years? Probably not. However, if you suggest it, people who have just told you what terrible and painful years those were for them, will berate you for thinking that you know better, that your child shouldn't have to "live through it" like everyone else. Suddenly, they will be full of lessons that can only be learned in that particular environment. If you aren't beaten into submission by that idea, you'll be threatened with the very fear that makes junior high so terrible...that your children will ultimately die the awful death of "being weird." I, too, have been afraid of "weird." That very idea has, in fact, been my primary argument against a number of very valid choices over the years. If "weird" is not enough to deter you from your wrong opinion, people start to look at you as though you are contagious and a little gross.
Unfortunately, education is not the only battle to fight. EVERY SINGLE choice you make that doesn't have you rowing merrily down the river of "the way it is" is questioned. I tried suggesting that we do away with refreshments at pack meeting. In a privileged area, where children are being spoon-fed sugar at every turn, and where all positive events are required to be celebrated with excessive amounts of sugar, we can't make such a change. "The kids expect it," I have been told. Of course they do! You are teaching them to. Could we consider that maybe just because it is, doesn't make it right? Doesn't make it good or healthy?
If this society I live in isn't questioning every element of raising their children. If they see change as just another enemy, how can I expect that society to respect my children and their individual little personalities. I don't want them to be average. I don't want them to fall nicely along the graph. I want them to be outliers. I don't care what it is that makes them that way, but I want them to go against the grain a little bit. If we punish or ignore anyone that doesn't fit along the "average" spectrum, how can we expect our kids to be better? To excel at anything. I think that "perfectly average" is what happens to kids when parenting choices aren't deliberate. And though "weird" has always been the epitome of everything we can't bear, it seems to be a better alternative than just another person.
I spend a significant portion of my quiet time (and also some time that's not particularly quiet) considering the things that are part of our family culture, the things we spend our time doing and the words that my children hear me say. Because of the current chaos of our family right now, there has to be a lot of give, but I'm developing a pretty clear picture of what I want for our family. I love the phrase from the 71 Toes blog about being a "deliberate mother". I am clinging to the idea that we don't just have to let things happen to our families and our children, but that we can make proactive choices to create or impact their environments.
I have amazing parents who have supported me in every way and been almost picture perfect in all the ways that count most. I always thought I would raise my kids exactly how my parents did, because we were so very happy. Life has been different than I expected though, since becoming a wife and mother and
I am trying to be deliberate about the things I keep in our house.
I don't want my children to grow up in an environment of "no." I'd prefer to say it as little as possible. I firmly believe in clear boundaries and in the importance of learning to respect boundaries, but instead of a short leash, I want my kids to be able to roam on a farm. I want Charlie to play with scissors.
Charlie has developed a recent interest in scissors (who am I kidding? It's always been there. But he's smart enough and agile enough to get to them at will, now.) This week at my mom's house, he took down the scissor box and started playing with the scissors. My mom immediately told him that they were too sharp to play with. I mean, that's common sense parenting, right? I initially agreed with her, but Charlie is so determined and tenacious, that he forces me to rethink a lot of my knee-jerk reactions. In the end, I told him that he could play with them. I offered a sparse framework (no running and no cutting things that are not paper) and let him go. My mom was actually having something akin to a panic attack. I tried to be deliberate though. This isn't a child who takes no for an answer. He is single-minded and determined. Contrary to what our educational culture teaches, I am coming to realize that those qualities are unique and desirable. He is creative and doesn't see boundaries. I try to imagine who he will become and what he will be able to accomplish if we nurture those qualities that are inherent to this tiny person. I'm so glad Charlie was my first child. He's challenged me in every way and has changed my entire paradigm on parenting and success. It helps that he is an awful lot like his daddy, so I've had a few years of experience in living with someone who doesn't go with the grain. I don't think Charlie will every fit right in to our educational culture. It's not in his make up to sit quietly, listen to lessons, then fill out worksheets. As I see it, we have two choices with him: We can try to force him to swim upstream for the next 15-20 years, try to help him achieve against the schools "measure of success." Then try to relight the fire and drive in him when he's "put in his time." Or we can try to educate him in a way that fits him and encourages his capabilities, and the innate human capabilities that are so often overlooked or under stimulated. I want my kids to dance and to sing. I want them to create things and to solve problems. I don't want them to be told no. I don't want them to constantly be told to sit still.
It's so easy to assume that the way we have always done things is right. I'm prepared to have people look at me like I'm a hippie for the rest of forever-because that is what happens when you challenge ideas. Clearly, our current educational system is not the best. Experts all agree about that. It will, however, only change when it is absolutely forced to be our changing economy and demands. It won't go quietly. I hate to make generalizations, but I feel like a lot of the people in our social circles, most of whom I love or like an awful lot, don't challenge what they are used to-even if there's something much better. I mean, are kids really better off for having gone to junior high? Some, maybe. But, would they be missing a huge part of themselves if they were home-schooled during those years? Probably not. However, if you suggest it, people who have just told you what terrible and painful years those were for them, will berate you for thinking that you know better, that your child shouldn't have to "live through it" like everyone else. Suddenly, they will be full of lessons that can only be learned in that particular environment. If you aren't beaten into submission by that idea, you'll be threatened with the very fear that makes junior high so terrible...that your children will ultimately die the awful death of "being weird." I, too, have been afraid of "weird." That very idea has, in fact, been my primary argument against a number of very valid choices over the years. If "weird" is not enough to deter you from your wrong opinion, people start to look at you as though you are contagious and a little gross.
Unfortunately, education is not the only battle to fight. EVERY SINGLE choice you make that doesn't have you rowing merrily down the river of "the way it is" is questioned. I tried suggesting that we do away with refreshments at pack meeting. In a privileged area, where children are being spoon-fed sugar at every turn, and where all positive events are required to be celebrated with excessive amounts of sugar, we can't make such a change. "The kids expect it," I have been told. Of course they do! You are teaching them to. Could we consider that maybe just because it is, doesn't make it right? Doesn't make it good or healthy?
If this society I live in isn't questioning every element of raising their children. If they see change as just another enemy, how can I expect that society to respect my children and their individual little personalities. I don't want them to be average. I don't want them to fall nicely along the graph. I want them to be outliers. I don't care what it is that makes them that way, but I want them to go against the grain a little bit. If we punish or ignore anyone that doesn't fit along the "average" spectrum, how can we expect our kids to be better? To excel at anything. I think that "perfectly average" is what happens to kids when parenting choices aren't deliberate. And though "weird" has always been the epitome of everything we can't bear, it seems to be a better alternative than just another person.
No comments:
Post a Comment