keeping a record

   Last week was an interesting week to put into words, but I don't want to forget it. Cam was working from home on Monday, and the kids and I were upstairs. I started feeling awful and experiencing some pretty horrible cramps. I called Cam, who took care of the kiddos while I writhed in pain. Then my mom came in and saved the day by delivering pregnancy tests (as prescribed by the doctor) and collecting my children. We received the shock of our lifetimes after not one, but two tests confirmed a pregnancy. I cried, tears of shock, and Cam was sweet and happy. We headed to the hospital for blood tests and began recovering from the surprise and adjusting all our plans. Two days and another blood test later and we were informed that the pain had been a miscarriage. It was sad, but not terrible. We only knew about it for two days and it was unexpected to say the least.
   During the week, we also found out that Cam's grandfather was unexpectedly in the ICU and not doing well, then by the end of the week he had passed away. There was a terrible shooting in Connecticut and in addition to all of it, we were trying to make sure everything was in order for Christmas, Cam was racing to finish some work before the holiday and my hormones were going haywire. We did what life requires, and kept moving through our days and taking care of each other and our little ones. When the weekend arrived, we went to dinner with friends (um, yeah. We have some) then tried to take the little ones to see the lights on temple square. We only made it as far as asking the valet to bring our car and buying warm cookies to ease the disappointment of not riding the train. We were so happy to go to bed. It was an emotionally exhausting week.
    I feel like it could have been just awful. I could make a list two pages long of other things that were going on during the week that made it challenging, but that seems unnecessary. We all know exactly how trying life can be. The thing is, that it was a really, really wonderful week. Monday night, after everyone was sleeping, I had a good talk with Heavenly Father. It was one of those moments when I felt so confident that He was there and listening and that if He was with us, we could deal with anything. I felt ready to accept His will for my life and for our family. All I wanted was peace. And I got that. More than anything, I felt so peaceful all week.
   I felt like my heart was light and my mind was open to inspiration all week long. It was still difficult, but I learned so much. A few things I was reminded of and taught through the experience:
   If we would turn our lives over to Heavenly Father everyday, and trust in Him, we could meet all our challenges with so much confidence and peace. As additional things were added to the emotional burden during the week, I could say to Him, "all I need is peace. I trust that you have things under control and that you have a plan."
   We need to be aligning ourselves with Heavenly Father's will and His plan for us constantly...not just when it fits in with our agenda. I feel like I have been very open to inspiration-when I want it and tell him I'm ready. Not a great plan. Finding out that I was pregnant, helped me realize that if it was what Heavenly Father wanted for our family, it would work out beautifully. I had only been prepared to look for the next step in our plan when I had crossed off all the things on my checklist. (Awesome insurance, Cam's business launched and bringing in loads of money, ten pounds lost, house organized and neat....) But, I just can't see what He can. I still have no idea what is next for our family, but I trust that if we are staying close to the Lord, it will be perfect for us.
   It's good to share. For a minute, I wished I hadn't told my family about the positive pregnancy test, because then I had to tell them about the miscarriage too. I loved feeling their love. Even just the few texts from my brothers and sisters, the sweet messages from my mother in law, the extra hug from my non-affectionate dad, the extra phone call and texts from a friend made me feel loved. It built our relationships and reminded me of how often our prayers are answered by those around us.
   It's good to have the Holy Ghost as a companion. I felt like because I started my week by committing to be led by the Spirit, I wanted to be better all week. It doesn't mean I was a joy to live with, by any means, but it did influence small things, like the shows I watched or the music I had on. I try to always surround myself with good things, but feeling the wonderful peace and happiness that comes from having the Spirit as a constant companion, makes me want to eliminate anything that might drive that goodness away.
   I also realized how desperately I want my children to have the same knowledge and testimony I have. Alexis made a comment to me about how even though we don't realize it, we are always using our knowledge of the gospel and the plan of salvation to view our lives and experiences. I can't imagine how life would be without that. I want my babies to see prayer and to see us trusting our family to the care of our Savior. Although I wish they would never experience pain or trials, when they do, I hope and pray that they will feel the same kind of light and peace that Cam and I were blessed with.